Tag Archives: priorities

Getting Through

7 more weeks. Just 7.

Excuse me a little moping right now. Because frankly, I’m tired of everyone (with the exception of a handful of people I can tolerate) here. The immaturity level is through the roof. I swear it’s like being back in high school. Even the few people I do go places with – oh the woes of the necessary “battle buddy” for everything except taking a shower – are at least 6-8 years my junior, and it shows. Not to insult them in any way. It’s ok to be 18, 19, 20 and going through that part of life. I’m just over it. So even the mature 20 year olds…have a perspective so far removed from mine that a lot of times I end up just shaking my head and listening to them. I miss being around people that I can relate to. There are a few of us “older” folks here (which, by the way, means 25-30), but most of them are a lot like me – nose to the grindstone through the week, to hell with any chance of getting disqualified or recycled. Free time spent on the phone with family, trying to make sure nothing falls apart. Even then, they’re not on my team so we see each other in passing. Kind of hard to get to know two or three people out of 90. Yep, my platoon has – or had – almost 90 people.

We were “phased up” recently, which means on the weekend we’re pretty much on our own except for first and last formations. Yay for civilian clothes. Yay for free time. And…no one to hang out. No one I really feel comfortable with. A couple girls on my team I go eat with, even went out into San Antonio with…but in the end, I felt tired. Trying too hard. Wearing too much of a mask. I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not. But the gap – dare I say generation gap? – is almost too big to breach.

Another kind of gap I keep seeing is the difference in mentality between those of us that are active duty, and the National Guard or Reserve (no disrespect meant to them). Because, like it or not, they’re weekend warriors and a lot of them enlisted because their recruiters sold them on that idea. Over half of my company is Guard or Reserve. They want to train and go back home to party. Go back to school. Go back to their lives. This army stuff doesn’t mean jack to some of them. It’s an extra paycheck. Something to get through for a few extra thousand a year. Ok, that’s fine. But most of them – especially the younger ones – give no thought at all to what it means to dedicate the next few years of your life to the military. Most of them don’t care if they get in trouble here, because their units at home will never see those papers or if they do, won’t care much.

Maybe if I didn’t have a family too, it wouldn’t be such a big deal. Maybe if my focus wasn’t on getting back with them and making a home for us again, wherever it is.

Maybe I’m just old. 😛

Two Worlds

I’ve had quite a bit of time to think in the week I’ve been home – and in the 3 days I have left, I’m sure the thought will continue to pester me – but I feel very much like I’m one person trying to live in two very different worlds. Or maybe it’s that I’m trying to be two different people? I’m not sure. Either way…it’s hard, and it hurts, and a lot of the time it makes me wonder why the hell I volunteered for this.

Even after the catastrophe that was my Basic training experience, a lot of embracing the suck – I’m still glad I joined. I’m not even finished yet. It’s still hard. But the discipline is a good kind of pain. I’m doing what I’ve always wanted to do. I love a challenge. Usually mental challenges are more my thing, but the army is challenging me all the way around. Physically, mentally, emotionally…sometimes it feels like more than I can handle, but then I remind myself I just have to get through today. It’s a good kind of pain.

Then there’s…the rest of my life. The motivation for being in the army. The people I love, that I want to create a home for and that I want to be there for. There’s the life I want to live outside the uniform. Where long hikes, beautiful gardens, yummy cupcakes, pretty quilts, delicious home-made bread, mail art, and four-legged friends are a daily part of my existence.

How do I combine the two? I feel like I’m being torn in half. Maybe it’ll be different once I’m out of training. There’s just no time. No time for anything. So many things I want to do…and some of them, there’s no point to doing until I’m at my permanent assignment (like the organizing/decorating of our apartment…we’re moving everything in 4 months or less, so it’s pretty pointless), some of them I just honestly don’t have enough time to finish while I’m home. That’s another thing. I feel like nothing is finished. I haven’t finished anything, accomplished anything, in a long time. Well, I did graduate Basic. I guess that was a big one. But still.