Tag Archives: family

Counting Days

Well, I had a nice post written. Then my computer had a heart attack and for some reason WordPress hadn’t autosaved like it usually does. So the SparkNotes version:

My husband is coming to Korea!!!

I’ve been busy with unit stuff.

I went to the DMZ, to Osan, and to a wildlife park not too far from here.

Did I mention MY HUSBAND’S COMING???!?!? πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

New Places

Well, Korea so far has been…interesting. Pretty much nothing is what I expected, least of all my unit and the job I’m doing. So much for being a medic, let’s go work in the S1 shop! Whoohoo. But, I like most of the people in my unit, and it’s pretty relaxed. It’s awesome to NOT be with a bunch of fresh-out-of-high-school kids (I’m one of the youngest).

My husband is still in the US. 😦 Trying to get the paperwork done for him to come here is like pulling teeth. The VA is less than helpful, on just about anything, it would seem.

I haven’t done a whole lot in Korea. Went downtown a bit, tried some amazing Korean BBQ, went up north to Camp Casey with a girl from my unit to visit her husband…it’s really different, which of course was expected, I just didn’t expect to be so homesick for little things.

299

 

First look at Seoul…

305

Spring here was beautiful. Little random gardens are everywhere.

072 075 077This was the restaurant sign. I still can’t quite understand how they think seeing the animals the meat you’re about to eat came from is appetizing…but the food is delicious anyway!

May Phone Pics 001

We went to a ziplining course, that had this beautiful garden. It was huge.

May Phone Pics 007

Ginkgo tree? I think?

May Phone Pics 003

I’m not sure what this is called, besides a pork loin…but it was fabulous. I love how pretty they made it. I didn’t eat the flowers though. πŸ˜›

Stronger Together

It’s funny how life doesn’t work out how you planned, sometimes. Or in my case, like ever.

A few years ago, I was newly separated from my then-husband, recovering from a relationship that had turned negative and poisonous. I was determined to take some time to pursue my own life, to be me and not be ashamed of who I was – be that my body, my personality, or my achievements. That required starting at pretty much ground level. Ground level if an improvement when you’ve been sunk in a pit, you know?

I lived with my best friend for awhile, while I tried to get financially on my feet enough to get my own place. Somehow during that time, a guy I had known from work became what I thought was my summer fling. He was fun, he had a boat and a truck, and the sparks flew. He knew I was planning to join the military and we both agreed our relationship was just for fun and companionship. He had spent 9 years in the infantry; he knew exactly what was going to happen if I did sign up. We were just enjoying each other until life took us our separate ways.

Best laid plans of mice and men.

It took quite awhile for me to stop hemming and hawing and get all the papers signed, but it was almost time for me to leave. We talked a lot. I won’t go all mushy on you. Long story short, we decided we had something special, something worth working and waiting for, and we decided to stay together. When I graduated AIT, then we’d decide where our relationship was going to go from there. He came with me to see my parents that Christmas. They loved him. My dad loved that he could talk military stuff with him. My mom loved that he would talk to her, period. My 14 year old brother thought he was the best thing since sliced bread because obviously infantry = badass. They all loved that he treated me with respect, that he worked hard, and that I was so happy.

I went off to basic training, and things went to hell in a handbasket (as detailed in this post). At least with the military. I really seriously considered going home, and our relationship was one of the reasons both that I wanted to go home, and that I eventually stayed. I wanted SO BAD to be back home with him. Back where I felt safe, and loved, and comfortable. At the same time I had to be true to myself. I’d turned my back on myself for a guy once and swore I’d never do it again. Yes, relationships require sacrifice, but that has to be balanced with being true to yourself. I learned this the hard way. If you don’t love yourself, you’ll never be able to fully love someone else. So this was what I felt I had to do, this is where I was supposed to be, even if it was so hard some days I thought it would kill me. If our relationship couldn’t survive this, than it wasn’t what I – what we – thought it was.

When I came home on convalescent leave I was really worried how things were going to go between us, but it was like I’d never left. He’d taken care of everything while I was away, even my crazy (really crazy) cat. He had taken care of ME, even though I was over 1,000 miles away. He’d talked to my family. He’d written me letters. Even when I couldn’t talk to him for weeks at a time and he had no idea when I was next going to call, he never once missed a phone call. My cat was fat and happy. All was right in my world. Amazingly. Blissfully. We talked. A lot. Decided we were in this for the long haul. So at the end of my 28 days I went back to finish training. Came home for Christmas. Finished AIT.

And 2 weeks ago, we got married. Now I’m in Korea. Hopefully he’ll get to come join me before too long, if all the paperwork gets approved. If it doesn’t, I’ll get 30 days of leave in about November and then come back to finish out my year here. We’ve been apart a LONG time. I miss him like crazy. But we’re in this together and every time something gets thrown at us, we get stronger. Sure it hurts. But he’s worth it. We’re worth it. I love him so much and can’t wait to make our home together, wherever that ends up being.

249

260

172

Army Strong.

286

The Struggle

Is real.

It’s compounding physical on top of mental now. Which is supposed to happen. I just feel this constant looming dread of going to my duty station and being so far away from my family. No, it’s not a deployment. But by the timeΒ  I finally get back to them, it will have been over 2 years since we’ve lived together as a family.

I don’t know how to describe the way I feel except dark. Just dark. I’ll graduate, I’ll make it. But for what? I don’t give 2 cents about experiencing another country if I can’t do it with the people I love. I guess that’s the wrong attitude but I really just don’t. Someone asked me the other day what I’m going to do while I’m there if I don’t go out and party and have fun. I told themΒ  I’d probably work as much as I can and just stay in my barracks room the rest of the time. I guess I need to pull my head out of my fourth point of contact but at this point I don’t even know how.

My paratrooper other half says you have to learn to turn the feelings off. That you have to know that you miss the ones you love, without feeling it. I guess I can see the wisdom in that, but I don’t know how to not feel something. It hurts. I miss him, I miss all of them. I don’t understand why things fell out this way and I desperately want to change it but there’s not a damn thing I can do.

Getting Through

7 more weeks. Just 7.

Excuse me a little moping right now. Because frankly, I’m tired of everyone (with the exception of a handful of people I can tolerate) here. The immaturity level is through the roof. I swear it’s like being back in high school. Even the few people I do go places with – oh the woes of the necessary “battle buddy” for everything except taking a shower – are at least 6-8 years my junior, and it shows. Not to insult them in any way. It’s ok to be 18, 19, 20 and going through that part of life. I’m just over it. So even the mature 20 year olds…have a perspective so far removed from mine that a lot of times I end up just shaking my head and listening to them. I miss being around people that I can relate to. There are a few of us “older” folks here (which, by the way, means 25-30), but most of them are a lot like me – nose to the grindstone through the week, to hell with any chance of getting disqualified or recycled. Free time spent on the phone with family, trying to make sure nothing falls apart. Even then, they’re not on my team so we see each other in passing. Kind of hard to get to know two or three people out of 90. Yep, my platoon has – or had – almost 90 people.

We were “phased up” recently, which means on the weekend we’re pretty much on our own except for first and last formations. Yay for civilian clothes. Yay for free time. And…no one to hang out. No one I really feel comfortable with. A couple girls on my team I go eat with, even went out into San Antonio with…but in the end, I felt tired. Trying too hard. Wearing too much of a mask. I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not. But the gap – dare I say generation gap? – is almost too big to breach.

Another kind of gap I keep seeing is the difference in mentality between those of us that are active duty, and the National Guard or Reserve (no disrespect meant to them). Because, like it or not, they’re weekend warriors and a lot of them enlisted because their recruiters sold them on that idea. Over half of my company is Guard or Reserve. They want to train and go back home to party. Go back to school. Go back to their lives. This army stuff doesn’t mean jack to some of them. It’s an extra paycheck. Something to get through for a few extra thousand a year. Ok, that’s fine. But most of them – especially the younger ones – give no thought at all to what it means to dedicate the next few years of your life to the military. Most of them don’t care if they get in trouble here, because their units at home will never see those papers or if they do, won’t care much.

Maybe if I didn’t have a family too, it wouldn’t be such a big deal. Maybe if my focus wasn’t on getting back with them and making a home for us again, wherever it is.

Maybe I’m just old. πŸ˜›

Two Worlds

I’ve had quite a bit of time to think in the week I’ve been home – and in the 3 days I have left, I’m sure the thought will continue to pester me – but I feel very much like I’m one person trying to live in two very different worlds. Or maybe it’s that I’m trying to be two different people? I’m not sure. Either way…it’s hard, and it hurts, and a lot of the time it makes me wonder why the hell I volunteered for this.

Even after the catastrophe that was my Basic training experience, a lot of embracing the suck – I’m still glad I joined. I’m not even finished yet. It’s still hard. But the discipline is a good kind of pain. I’m doing what I’ve always wanted to do. I love a challenge. Usually mental challenges are more my thing, but the army is challenging me all the way around. Physically, mentally, emotionally…sometimes it feels like more than I can handle, but then I remind myself I just have to get through today. It’s a good kind of pain.

Then there’s…the rest of my life. The motivation for being in the army. The people I love, that I want to create a home for and that I want to be there for. There’s the life I want to live outside the uniform. Where long hikes, beautiful gardens, yummy cupcakes, pretty quilts, delicious home-made bread, mail art, and four-legged friends are a daily part of my existence.

How do I combine the two? I feel like I’m being torn in half. Maybe it’ll be different once I’m out of training. There’s just no time. No time for anything. So many things I want to do…and some of them, there’s no point to doing until I’m at my permanent assignment (like the organizing/decorating of our apartment…we’re moving everything in 4 months or less, so it’s pretty pointless), some of them I just honestly don’t have enough time to finish while I’m home. That’s another thing. I feel like nothing is finished. I haven’t finished anything, accomplished anything, in a long time. Well, I did graduate Basic. I guess that was a big one. But still.

Merry Christmas!

I started writing this in my head on Christmas Day…was too busy with all the goings on to post anything but I had to write it now!

It’s going to be a beautiful day. Beautiful because I get to spend it surrounded by some of the people I love most. Of course I don’t get to see everyone I’d like to, but I’m still incredibly blessed to get to have a day with my amazing boyfriend, his son, and their family. Over the past couple years they’ve welcomed me into their hearts and home until I feel almost as comfortable with them as I do my own family, and I love them with all my heart. The past year I haven’t even been here and I still felt their support and care through all the distance.

We had a quiet Christmas, spent most of the day just chilling at home and the evening having dinner with Other Half’s extended family. I made 6 dozen bread rolls – seriously feel like I’m channeling my own grandmother with that, since her bread is absolutely legendary in our family, in her church, in the county…seriously. Legendary. I can’t hope to ever live up to that standard but I do love to make bread and share it with anyone who will have it!

I barely decorated this year. The tree in the last post, stockings, and a strand of lights hung up around the room was it! True college dorm (bachelor pad?) style. I have so many ideas of how I want to decorate for Christmas…kind of hard to do though when you’re a thousand miles away and have an impending move hanging over your head! I was really glad I did a little bit though, even if it’s not as put together or special as I would have liked. Last year I didn’t feel like decorating at all. I was still trying to get over losing all the ornaments I had from my parents’ tradition of gifting their kids one for each Christmas. I’m still bummed about it, but I’m ready to move on. Which, I hope through this year, means making ornaments both for myself and for friends and family.

2015 is almost here and I’m really glad to have this year behind me. It’s been a rough year with a lot of growth. Growth is good but it’s sometimes painful, and I’ll have to admit I’m hoping this coming year has a lot more settling and a little less growing!